Wednesday, May 23, 2007

you hate them, but when you need them you call 'em in a heartbeat

as someone who just spent two hours in a cook county courthouse surrounded by police, i'd just like to say:

FUCK LAW ENFORCEMENT. they're rude and act like we're complete inconveniences. they would not be able to support themselves or their families without us, and yet i'm the one "with an attitude." i have every right to criticize their behavior and disrespect of fellow HUMAN BEINGS and the we're-above-the-law-AND-you attitude they possess. and if i need emergency help i better fucking get it because I'VE ALREADY PAID FOR IT and then they charge us again via legal proceedings, etc. i wish that we citizens could organize a tax boycott, because then where would they be? NO WHERE, doing NOTHING, because they are NOBODIES and they could not put the entire population of illinois under arrest. wife going into labor, well speed right through those traffic lights because the cops can't pay for their gasoline! they'll never stop you! like the president they only have as much power as WE give them. unfortunately people feel a kind of "guilt" when they criticize police because they think "well, you know, if i need to call 911 i want them to respond right away, but if i criticize them they won't come BLAH BLAH BLAH." that's bullshit. police enforce that better than any law, and people keep letting it infect their brains and souls. i criticize wal-mart all the time, but if i ever decide to shop there people like anonymous have no right to stop me at the door and say "well well well, look who wants our services. well too bad, you've been too critical of this place." every friday i get a paycheck from barnes and noble, does that mean i can't criticize any of their ridiculous policies or (mis)treament of my fellow employees by those "above" me? fuck no! in fact, i'm the most qualified person to criticize. i've worked hard there for almost seven years, and if i have a complaint they better listen, and afterwards they better not threaten me with termination or pay cuts or ANYTHING. everyone in my position makes that fucking store run, not the managers or steve riggio. i criticize the united states all the time, and illinois and cook county and chicago all the time, but i still have every right to live here. if every soldier dropped his rifle, what war could possibly be fought? NO WAR. god knows i hate blagojevich's non-stop construction and tolling projects (and voting for someone else wasn't going to change anything since they're all the same politician until fags, pregnant women, and illegals are mentioned), but i pay for them SO FUCK THEM, AND FUCK EVERYONE WHO CRITICIZES ME FOR CRITICIZING THOSE WHO TAKE MY MONEY AND TURN AROUND AND SLAP ME IN THE FACE.

you know how far the police made handicapped people walk away from the building for the fucking fire drill at the courthouse this morning? i do. did they help anyone? no, offer to help anyone or get wheelchairs? no. stand around and talk to each other while occasionally yelling at people to just keep moving? YES.

you know who the police let in first after the fire drill, after all the employees went back in? MEN, not women and children, or men with children, or couples with children, or handicapped people, or sick people.... fucking MEN. female cops yelling "men first. ladies, move to the side." and i'm a hypocrite because i expect immediate help i've already paid for in the case of an emergency? no, not at all.

44 comments:

Richard said...

"they only have as much power as WE give them." Well said, dear.

It's interesting when someone like anonymous pipes up...dude (or dudette), like 99.9% of the white american public agrees with you! your "opinion" is re-inforced everywhere. So, go fuckin hang out at a sports bar or go check out shrek 3 or some shit. Your attitude is the prevailing one, so go celebrate with a brew and smile deep down inside cuz you tossed out the same line bill o'reilly woulda tossed out if he read this. way to go, champ. or champette. Maybe if you keep playin the game, you can be buried by cops ala fallwell. gotta live the dream!

Anonymous said...

aw, how sweet. i wrote your subject line.

--Officer Krupke

D said...

Liz, will you marry me?

D said...

Wow, someone sure likes West Side Story.

The Unknown Blogger said...

you hate them, but when you need to make a lazy asinine comment you post 'em in a heartbeat

HYPOCRITE!

Mr Bigpants Cock (of the) Walk said...

wait, arent side pony tails just pigtails?

Mr Bigpants Cock (of the) Walk said...

you can hate cops if you want and still call them when you are in trouble. its ok because they like when you are a victim and dejected and in need. when I got robbed at gunpoint I called the cops and they came and were very helpful and kind but they must have known I was someone who was cursing them under my breath in my private moments in my life when i needed to. after all I had more than four spatulas in my kitchen drawer. none of which i might add were stolen that night.

also cops dont mind if you curse their existence after they catch you breaking a law and are in the middle of punishing you for it. I have experienced this first hand. Picture it, Chicago July 29, 1999, Oak street beach, 97 degrees out and 11:00pm. My roommate at the time, Vic and I were very drunk and swimming in the lake aftr hours, along with about 100 other people. Somehow the cops showed up and picked us to make examples of, cuffed us and confiscated the rest of our beer and wrote us tickets. For those twenty minutes Vic and I roared at the five cops surrounding us with firey tongue lashings, saying worse things than everyone on this blog has ever thought about a cop (even rich). how we were gonna rape their five year old daughters, inject AIDS into their mothers' necks, shit in their sons' mouths, etc, you know, that old nugget. we went on and on and on. in total drunken biligerence, stinking like god aweful cheep warm beer. the worse they did was cross their arms, a few knodded from side to side in anger but NEVER moving on us.
Then...They gave us each $30 tickets and a court date to pay those tickets. The best money both of us ever spent.

Mr Bigpants Cock (of the) Walk said...

why do people get so pissy on here when someone makes a comment as anonymous? Its like I can see the spittle hanging from yr mouth in anger at this "anonymous" and its almost like you lose focus while getting off on the fact that "anonymous" lacks courage or some similar dull thought. But if its under an alias such as, "malignant cunt" people dont critisize THIS person and usually end up addressng the cunt with a newly invented alias?

Mr Bigpants Cock (of the) Walk said...

not to say I was the anonymousEE of today.

que ferions-nous sans vous pour nous guider? said...

well, tim, we just figure malignant cunt is one of us just fuckin' around. as rich says: when you're trying to take shots at people under "anonymous" then they've really got no pride in what they're saying.

and anonymous, if indeed you are not one of our friends, we will make posts about the texture of our mornings shits if we want to. it's OUR blog. apparently you haven't read this for more than one day because we get pretty silly around here, so don't talk to us like like you know us. i wouldn't tell you how to remodel your house if i walked into it and hated your decor. don't like that we disagree with you? GO AWAY... preferably somewhere where your presence will be better appreciated, like a ghetto or iraq. we can like dissent and intelligent debate anywhere, but people who look hide themselves while still trying to take cheap shots... well no one likes that. i doubt even you do. farwell.

Mr Bigpants Cock (of the) Walk said...

thats fine I still think anonymous is a perfectly valid tag (and to hell what the people of the house "figure") to say anything no matter how contrarian and weak their argument. so carry on, anonymous; just, maybe, work on yr argument skills and, when in doubt, just speak under the tag, "malignant cunt"

que ferions-nous sans vous pour nous guider? said...

maybe i'm old fashioned, but if a person came into my personal or even quasi-personal space and started assualting me, i would want to know his or her name. so in turn, if someone comes onto our blog and calls us all hypocrites, i just want to know who they are, where they have a blog, etc. anon likes to think that heknows us all so much more than we know ourselves and each other and is harrassing us about a conversation the five of us were having while at work (or other places). it's probably d's ex trolling around again. from what i've heard he likes to stalk her for a while at least once a year. but whatever. asking for mutual respect is somehow taboo in this country. posting ANYTHING on your own blog is hypoctritical. wow... USA USA USA!!!

que ferions-nous sans vous pour nous guider? said...

This Rich usingLiz's screen name and Id like to chime and say my thoughts are rarely dull. and yeah i agree with tim, anonymous, say as much as you like i find you amusing. like a gnat trapped in a glass. and maybe its bestyou stay anonymous, you dont seem to have an identity of your own anyway.

love
rich

ps tip your waitressess

que ferions-nous sans vous pour nous guider? said...

ha ha ha

Mr Bigpants Cock (of the) Walk said...

its totally taboo in this country, so totally. but maybe you are old fashioned.

Deanna said...

I'm sorry, aNON made a WEST SIDE STORY reference. S/he can go back to their Streisand greatest hits CDs while drinking NyQuil for all I care.

Deanna said...

And West Side Story should be taboo, I don't care if Natalie Wood was involved.

Deanna said...

Oh hey guys, it's me again.

White Stripes dates:
09-04 Chicago, IL - Aragon Ballroom
09-05 Chicago, IL - Aragon Ballroom

Happy birthday to me, oh yes. Playing in my (soon to be, sorta) neck of the woods.

Richard said...

Also, a question Ive been asking of people fo the last couple of years is "what is your credibility based on?"

Our (collectively) credibility in this instance is based on the fact that someone can read ll of our thoughts, ideas and contributions on here while individually its based on the things we create, express, articulate in either our art or daily lives.

anonymous (and the various anonymouses of the worls) has no credibility, apparently knows reaction & negation. once again, lets who YOU are, what your contribution is, what ideas youve come up with, what your life consists of. if you come to be as open as I or we come to anyone else then were meeting equally and we can talk. otherwise anon is a spineless spitball thrower with credibility based on nothing. and as sage billy preston (or was it Krishna, or was it in the I Ching)once pointed out- nothing from nothing leaves you with nothing.

but as i said above keep talking anon, stay anonymous, you totally amuse me. dance for me. twitch a lil. turn the left, now turn to the right. do some cartwheels.

Finally tonight, the new white stripes video is fucking brilliant. As brilliant as the song. Outstanding fucking work.

Jackie said...

whoa, i missed a lot!

tim, side ponytails are not pigtails. pigtails are two separate "tails" on opposite sides of the head. a side ponytail is all of your hair just on one side.

Jackie said...

the only encounter i've had with cops was when i was yelling at them when i was drunk because they arrested my friend for vandalizing someone's property. it was not a pretty moment in my life.

Jackie said...

my friend holly did the sexxxx survey! i got one!

rich you better be online tommorow, i'll be bored.

i'm trying to decide if i'm going to madison or not tommorow, i don't think i want to.

this is what happens when i drink, i write on the blog about nothing.

Jackie said...

my friend holly's survey!

1) Do You Swallow? no, i have and it makes me want to puke
2) How many times a week do you masturbate? less than a week...i rarely masturbate now
3) Have you ever given a rim job? no.
4) Have you ever received a rim job? no.
5) Do you have a foot fetish, if so, why? no.
6) Do you like to play with or have someone else play with your nipples gently? sure.
7) Do you like your nipples to be pinched, bitten, or have clothes pins attached to them? haven't tried clothes pins...that is pretty genius.
8) Do you like to have your hair pulled during sex? yes.
9) How often do you have sex with strangers? i've only had sex with one stranger. of boogie and yo yo's fame.
10) Are you turned on by fisting? if so, why? ouch. no, i guess not.
11) Have you ever kissed or been sexual with someone of the same sex? not seriously.
12) Have you ever conventional anal sex, and did you enjoy it? what do you mean "conventional"? for a little bit, but it felt too intense so i had to stop.
13) Have you ever been penetrated anally by anything? i.e. fingers, penis, dildo, etc. penis and fingers, sort of. not really majorly.
14) Have you ever been part of a double penetration, and if so which part? no, can't say i have.
15) Do you prefer to give or receive when it comes to oral sex? please, receive, i am really lazy when it comes to sex.
16) If female- have you ever squirted, and under what circumstances? If male- have you ever made a woman squirt? i guess yes.
17) Have you ever looked up bestiality pictures on the internet? well one time valerie was looking up "kitty porn" (it sounds like kiddie, get it?)
18) What's the strangest place you've ever had sex, and name it. like rename it? i am confused. the parkinglot at xs. my friend carly's couch. pretty boring.
19) Strangest place you ever masturbated, and name it. eric's blue couch in the regent.
20) Do you ever masturbate to, or get turned on by totally non-sexual things (ie household appliances, trees, etc)? um. no. not that there is anything wrong with that, i guess.
21) Have you ever participated in a threesome or an orgy? no,sadly...
22) How many people do you know you secretly wish you could fuck? probably about 10 but i am stretching things pretty thin here...
23) Do juvenile or non-scientific words (ie "titties) turn you on during sex if your partner uses them? um. can't say it exactly turns me on to hear vagina. or penis. or scrotum.
24) Do you enjoy getting spanked either before or during sex? sure.
25) Do you find lactation arousing? um...
26) Have you ever faked an orgasm? sort of.
27) What is your favorite sexual position? doggy style. but missionary is good because i can be lazy (see question 15)
28) Does size matter? yes
29) Does girth matter? yes
30) Do you like being peed on? no
31) Would you like to find out if you like being peed on? no.
32) If you in fact like being peed on, do you take it in the face or insist the pisser aims for
your body and/or hair? hahahaha.
33) Name the weirdest place on your body someone has cum on you. stomach/chest?
34) Have you ever masturbated using a non-sexual object (ie a book spine, hairbrush)? Also, name what the object as and in what capacity you used it. no, unless you count a vibrator, which is pretty gd sexual in it's nature.
35) Have you ever penetrated yourself with a vegetable or other food product? no
36) What's the worst music you've ever heard during either sex or masturbation? hmmm...i know there have been some laughable times, but i don't know what they were.
37) Have you ever eaten food off someone? Also, what food and did your partner enjoy it? no
38) Have you ever had sex in the shower or in the bathroom? yes
38) Do you have sex if your partner is menstruating? that would be weird...but if i am getting the correct meaning of this question, then yes.
40) Do you masturbate if you are menstruating? i hav
41) Do you wear socks during sex? If so, what color are they? no i hate socks.
42) If you could only choose one form of sexual release (masturbation, oral sex, etc.) for the rest of your life, what would you choose, and why? vaginal intercourse. because i would be totally bummed to not be able to have sex with a partner. and you can have clitoral stimulation and deep penetration with vaginal sex....course it would be more difficult to get off.
43) Do you enjoy watching your partner masturbate? yes
44) Have you ever been a voyeur, and if yes explain the circumstances. yes, i used to watch my neighbor in madison get head. well it was just once. but it was weird.
45) After penetrating your partner with your fingers, do you A) lick your fingers B)make your partner lick your fingers C) make them smell your fingers D) Rub your fingers across their face? um. none of the above. especially since assholes gross me out.
46) After your first sexual experience did you not wash your hands for several days? no. ha. that is funny.
47) Have you ever particpated in a sex video? no
48) Have you posted nude photos on the web, and if so, where? not totally, there is the ipod/pbr photo on my myspace.
49) (If male) How many times have you had blue balls? (If female) Have you ever had a swollen labia? i thought it was flaming magenta. maybe once.
50) Have you ever performed a sexual act for money? If so, how much money and what did you have to do? no, but i buy chris food a lot.
51) How many sex toys do you own, and how often do you use them in sexual play? only one. not very often, but i am willing to do some introductions.
52) Do you prefer tight, athletic bodies or voluptuous, curvy ones? former better for dudes, latter better for ladies.
53) Have you ever watched your partner perform sexual acts with someone else? no
54) Have you ever interrupted sex to go to the bathroom? yes
55) Where is your favorite place to masturbate? bed?
56) How much porno do you own? none, actually.
57) Where do you hide your porno, and where do you hide your sex toys? sex toy in wicker basket with condoms.
58) How often do you visit porn stores with the sole reason to buy something? i think never actually
59) Do you prefer a woman's pubic area to be A) shaved bald B) trimmed C) untamed trimmed?
60) Do you find yourself drawn to sites like burningangel or suicide girls? i have been interested, but can't say i have gone there.
61) Do you like being spit on during sex? very punk. no.
62) Have you ever sat on someone's face? yes
63) Have you ever had a rape fantasy? sort of?
64) Have you ever cheated? not really. i kissed some dude when aaron and i were dating.
65) Were you found out, and if so, what were the consequences? yes. he's gay.
66) Do you ever laugh during sex, and if so does your partner get offended? yes, no. you can be human and still have sex.
67) Have you ever had to stop someone or redirect them to the correct spot during sex or foreplay? unfortunatly, yes.
68) Do you like being tied up? yes.
69) Have you ever enjoyed sex with an ugly person, BECAUSE they were ugly? not because they were...more because they had a huge dick and were dirty.
70) If you were the opposite sex and had all of the correct genitalia, what is the first thing you would do with yourself? masturbate? i guess. or have sex with a lady to know what it feels like for a dude.
71) If you had to have sex with someone in your family, who would it be? what.
72) Name something you've always wanted to do during sex, but haven't. the vib introduction
73) Do you like it if your partner makes you call yourself degrading names (ie cumslut, dickless loser)? hahaha cumslut. never has happend actually.
74) Have you ever had to "finish the job" because your partner couldnt? um. probably.
75) Do you enjoy phone sex? yes.
76) Do you pay for phone sex or do it with a friend? well, with a friend i guess.
77) Has the use of drugs or alcohol ever prohibited your ability to perform sexually? yes, i can rarely get off when drunk.
78) If you have had phone sex, how many people have you had it with? 1
79) Have you ever wanted to sleep with one of your friend's family members? And if yes, how was it? not that i can think of.
80) Do you enjoy titfucking and if so what do you use for lubrication? doesn't really work with my tits.
81) Have you ever slept with a co-worker? Or wanted to? yes, on many occasions.
82) Name the most inappropriate person you've had a sexual fantasy about? mr. nowak. haha. no not really...
83) Does your face and upper chest get red during sex? no
84) Have you ever been told that you are too aggressive/passive during sex? well this creepy dude kept insisting i would eventually "like" him biting and spanking me and pulling my hair. i would eventually like those things, but not with that loser.
85) do you like being bitten, and if so where? yes, all over.
86) Are you ever bored during sex and think about other things (i.e. housework, your job)? sometimes.
87) What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever said during sex? i don't really get embarrased.
88) Would you have sex with a retarded or crippled person? um...
89) How many fingers? three max, i would say.
90) Ever had a sexual experience while either you or your partner was driving a car? yes.
91) Do you frequently experience multiple orgasms while masturbating? no
92) What's the longest amount of time spent masturbating? 1 hour.
93) Will you FINALLY let Rickey shave you? hmmm?
94) What was the first porn you ever encountered? porn playing cards at our cottage.
95) Have you ever had sex with a tranny, and if so, did you know they were a tranny beforehand? no i have not.
96) Have you ever been to a gloryhole, and if so, how did it go? is that the ass?
97) Who is the oldest/youngest person you would have sex with? 35/17
98) Have you ever masturbated with a group of friends? no
99) What kind of breasts do you like? (i.e. big, small, pointy, etc.) Also, what kind of nipples (i.e. puffy, perky, small etc.) ones that aren't like mine
100) Why haven't you had sex with me yet? cuz you are like my sister!

Jackie said...

my sexxx response to holly and well, to you all.

1) Do You Swallow? yes.
2) How many times a week do you masturbate? uh, usually like 6-8 times.
3) Have you ever given a rim job? no.
4) Have you ever received a rim job? no.
5) Do you have a foot fetish, if so, why? no.
6) Do you like to play with or have someone else play with your nipples gently? of course.
7) Do you like your nipples to be pinched, bitten, or have clothes pins attached to them? nothing too rough. maybe just like light biting or pinching. but no clothes pins.
8) Do you like to have your hair pulled during sex? yes.
9) How often do you have sex with strangers? a complete stranger? only one time. and it wasn't very good.
10) Are you turned on by fisting? no.
11) Have you ever kissed or been sexual with someone of the same sex? yes.
12) Have you ever conventional anal sex, and did you enjoy it? no.
13) Have you ever been penetrated anally by anything? yes, that was part of my bad stranger sexual experience.
14) Have you ever been part of a double penetration, and if so which part? nope.
15) Do you prefer to give or receive when it comes to oral sex? i'm a giver actually.
16) If female- have you ever squirted, and under what circumstances? If male- have you ever made a woman squirt? i'm gonna have to say no, i'm pretty sure i would remember if i squirted i gues.
17) Have you ever looked up bestiality pictures on the internet? not intentionally, but i'm sure i've seen some here or there.
18) What's the strangest place you've ever had sex, and name it. actually no where strange, unless you count hotels in your own city strange. it's like i'm a prostitute.
19) Strangest place you ever masturbated, and name it. some bar on gilman st. haha, i was bored! it's that one with the two different colored levels, i cant remember the name of it. or in my car, i've done that quite a few times.
20) Do you ever masturbate to, or get turned on by totally non-sexual things (ie household appliances, trees, etc)? not that i can remember.
21) Have you ever participated in a threesome or an orgy? yes.
22) How many people do you know you secretly wish you could fuck? oh there's a few. but nothing like serious where i would do anything to fuck them.
23) Do juvenile or non-scientific words (ie "titties) turn you on during sex if your partner uses them? no. it's kinda funny though.
24) Do you enjoy getting spanked either before or during sex? yes.
25) Do you find lactation arousing? no thank you.
26) Have you ever faked an orgasm? oh yes. with every guy i've been with, haha.
27) What is your favorite sexual position? well with girls i'm versatile, top or bottom, whatever. with a guy, i guess i would say on top or doggystyle.
28) Does size matter? yes. (i'm glad you said yes too!)
29) Does girth matter? yes.
30) Do you like being peed on? no.
31) Would you like to find out if you like being peed on? no.
32) If you in fact like being peed on, do you take it in the face or insist the pisser aims for
your body and/or hair? no pee!
33) Name the weirdest place on your body someone has cum on you. my hair.
34) Have you ever masturbated using a non-sexual object (ie a book spine, hairbrush)? Also, name what the object as and in what capacity you used it. yes. but uh, i don't want to get into things that i've put in my vagina. there's not that many, but yeah, let's go onto the next question, haha...
35) Have you ever penetrated yourself with a vegetable or other food product? no.
36) What's the worst music you've ever heard during either sex or masturbation? well there was church service playing on a sunday morning tv show. does that count?
37) Have you ever eaten food off someone? Also, what food and did your partner enjoy it? no.
38) Have you ever had sex in the shower or in the bathroom? yes and yes.
38) Do you have sex if your partner is menstruating? i have had sex with someone who was menstruating, i don't mind.
40) Do you masturbate if you are menstruating? i have, but i can usually wait until it's done.
41) Do you wear socks during sex? i hate socks in general. so no.
42) If you could only choose one form of sexual release (masturbation, oral sex, etc.) for the rest of your life, what would you choose, and why? masturbation. didn't even have to think about it. hands down!
43) Do you enjoy watching your partner masturbate? yes. well i don't have a partner, but if i did, then yesss.
44) Have you ever been a voyeur, and if yes explain the circumstances. uhhhh, besides the threesome thing, i can't really think of anything else i guess.
45) After penetrating your partner with your fingers, do you A) lick your fingers B)make your partner lick your fingers C) make them smell your fingers D) Rub your fingers across their face? i like to do this, even thougha lot of people think its gross. maybe it's a lesbian thing? i don't know.
46) After your first sexual experience did you not wash your hands for several days? gross! of course i did.
47) Have you ever particpated in a sex video? no.
48) Have you posted nude photos on the web, and if so, where? no.
49) (If male) How many times have you had blue balls? (If female) Have you ever had a swollen labia? quite a few i'm sure. last week in fact, haha.
50) Have you ever performed a sexual act for money? If so, how much money and what did you have to do? no.
51) How many sex toys do you own, and how often do you use them in sexual play? just one. it's lame, but i don't use vibrators often, i don't really need to.
52) Do you prefer tight, athletic bodies or voluptuous, curvy ones? i like ladies who are curvy as fuck.
53) Have you ever watched your partner perform sexual acts with someone else? no.
54) Have you ever interrupted sex to go to the bathroom? yes. (i'm glad you've done this too! haha)
55) Where is your favorite place to masturbate? as boring as it sounds, my bed.
56) How much porno do you own? no porn.
57) Where do you hide your porno, and where do you hide your sex toys? i think my vibrator is underneath my bed or sometimes stashed in my pillows.
58) How often do you visit porn stores with the sole reason to buy something? i dont. if i am going to buy a sex toy, i would buy it online probably.
59) Do you prefer a woman's pubic area to be A) shaved bald B) trimmed C) untamed anything but bald, yuck. i don't care if there is hair everywhere, but no so much that you can't even see her vagina.
60) Do you find yourself drawn to sites like burningangel or suicide girls? nah. im not into those kinds of girls i guess.
61) Do you like being spit on during sex? no.
62) Have you ever sat on someone's face? no, i'm afraid i would crush them.
63) Have you ever had a rape fantasy? no.
64) Have you ever cheated? yes.
65) Were you found out, and if so, what were the consequences? i told her, but she had cheated too (with a boy mind you, haha) and then we broke up like the next week. so not devastating.
66) Do you ever laugh during sex, and if so does your partner get offended? i only laugh during sex with guys, which sounds cruel. but they make funny noises. haha.
67) Have you ever had to stop someone or redirect them to the correct spot during sex or foreplay? oh yes.
68) Do you like being tied up? never tried it, but i'd really really have to trust the person to do that.
69) Have you ever enjoyed sex with an ugly person, BECAUSE they were ugly? no.
70) If you were the opposite sex and had all of the correct genitalia, what is the first thing you would do with yourself? definitely masturbate first. and then have sex with a woman to see what it felt like. and repeat.
71) If you had to have sex with someone in your family, who would it be? my cousin jill. she's the only the other girl in the family, besides like grandmas.
72) Name something you've always wanted to do during sex, but haven't. have a threesome with two other girls.
73) Do you like it if your partner makes you call yourself degrading names (ie cumslut, dickless loser)? uh, no thanks. i don't ever want to be degraded during sex.
74) Have you ever had to "finish the job" because your partner couldnt? yes.
75) Do you enjoy phone sex? yes.
76) Do you pay for phone sex or do it with a friend? with a friend.
77) Has the use of drugs or alcohol ever prohibited your ability to perform sexually? yes. but not that many times.
78) If you have had phone sex, how many people have you had it with? 3.
79) Have you ever wanted to sleep with one of your friend's family members? And if yes, how was it? honestly, no.
80) Do you enjoy titfucking and if so what do you use for lubrication? never tried it, but i would.
81) Have you ever slept with a co-worker? Or wanted to? oh my yes. i used to have fantasies about danielle all the time, and we almost made out at a work party once, that would have been awkward. at least i was able to put my libido back in my finely pressed skirt for the night, haha. i have a knack for making out with straight girls.
82) Name the most inappropriate person you've had a sexual fantasy about? that girl i worked with.
83) Does your face and upper chest get red during sex? no.
84) Have you ever been told that you are too aggressive/passive during sex? yes, both.
85) do you like being bitten, and if so where? the ear, nipples. thats about it.
86) Are you ever bored during sex and think about other things (i.e. housework, your job)? i have before. but its not a regular thing.
87) What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever said during sex? why be embarassed? it was said in the heat of passion!
88) Would you have sex with a retarded or crippled person? not to be a bitch, but no.
89) How many fingers? start off with two and then let's see.
90) Ever had a sexual experience while either you or your partner was driving a car? no.
91) Do you frequently experience multiple orgasms while masturbating? yes.
92) What's the longest amount of time spent masturbating? a majority of an afternoon.
93) Will you FINALLY let Rickey shave you? no rickey! fuck off!
94) What was the first porn you ever encountered? the porn book at trinas house that her parents had stashed in their closet or the one her brother had hid in the basement.
95) Have you ever had sex with a tranny, and if so, did you know they were a tranny beforehand? no.
96) Have you ever been to a gloryhole, and if so, how did it go? no, but i'd love to be at one and see what its like. crazy.
97) Who is the oldest/youngest person you would have sex with? 38/21.
98) Have you ever masturbated with a group of friends? no.
99) What kind of breasts do you like? (i.e. big, small, pointy, etc.) Also, what kind of nipples (i.e. puffy, perky, small etc.) i like big breasts. and uh nipples, i dont know. whatever.
100) Why haven't you had sex with me yet? because you are holly and that would be super weird.

Beanstalk (formerly anonymous) said...

You'll see him in your nightmares, you'll see him in your dreams
He'll appear out of no where but he aint what he seems
You'll see him in your head, on the TV screen
And hey buddy, Im warning you to turn it off
He's a ghost, he's a god, he's a man, he's a guru
You're one microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan
designed and directed by his red right hand.

Richard said...

Finally, my sex answers...
1) Do You Swallow?
You mean if I'm performing oral sex on a female and their vaginal secretions and upper thigh sweat are getting into my mouth. Perhaps, but only if i really like the female in question. There have been times where Ive engineered a few super romantic "spit breaks", which were pretty essential with one girl in particular who would ALWAYS take 45 minutes at least, to get off. As for swallowing cum, no i havent done that. I really dont think i could bring myself to.

2) How many times a week do you masturbate?
I have no idea, you'd have to check with my secretary.

3) Have you ever given a rim job
No, I really dont see myself ever doing that.

4) Have you ever received a rim job?
Nope.

5) Do you have a foot fetish, if so, why?
If i live to be 110 I still wont understand foot fetishes.

6) Do you like to play with or have someone else play with your nipples gently?
Fuck no. I basically hate being touched to begin with. One former girlfriend was always get to get some Rich-nipple action going and Id just palm the crown of her head and shove her away.

7) Do you like your nipples to be pinched, bitten, or have clothes pins attached to them?
If i dont like being touched lightly why would i like being touched roughly? Anyway the answer is a resounding no.

8) Do you like to have your hair pulled during sex?
If a girl grabbed my hair, I'd get right up, put on my clothes and leave.

9) How often do you have sex with strangers?
I got over that phase in 2001. It lasted about 2 years. The first one was fun, but after that it was a predictable drag.

10) Are you turned on by fisting? if so, why?
No, its another thing ive never understood. the first fisting ive ever encountered was in a porno I was saw when I was about 19 where some guy was fisting this BEAUTIFUL spanish woman and he lost his watch up her pussy! He later retrieved it. She licked the watch clean. Later she used her vagina to smoke a cigarette, that was pretty fucking cool. I did see some pix once of a french girl fisting herself which were pretty amazing, but not like, sexually arousing.

11) Have you ever kissed or been sexual with someone of the same sex?

No, contrary to popular belief.


12) Have you ever conventional anal sex, and did you enjoy it?
No, a girl I was with requested it once, so I barely put the tip in, and she yelled really loud, at which point i instinctively pulled out and left the room to take a shower.

13) Have you ever been penetrated anally by anything? i.e. fingers, penis, dildo, etc.

No. Apparently, Im due for THE TEST at the doctor sometime within the year, and im definitely dreading it.


14) Have you ever been part of a double penetration, and if so which part?

Nope.


15) Do you prefer to give or receive when it comes to oral sex?
Give. To paraphrase something Ice-T once said- I have a small dick, so I have to eat a lot of pussy.

16) If female- have you ever squirted, and under what circumstances? If male- have you ever made a woman squirt?
Have I made a woman squirt? No to my knowledge (and I think id notice). Supposedly I made it happen to a girl during phone sex a couple times.

17) Have you ever looked up bestiality pictures on the internet?
Outside of pedophile stuff, Ive looked up EVERYTHING on the internet. Nude celebrities, castration, chicks sucking off dogs, you name it, Ive seen it. I even once found a live webcam where a girl would give her stepbrother hand jobs. The best beast site had an AMAZING essay posted on it called the "Triangle Brain Theory" that basically used "brain science" to prove that sex with animals was totally normal at one time cuz humans originally had pointy brains, and the catholic church performed population wide lobotomies to cut off the edges which is where our sexual freedom was housed. So, people who are into animal sex arent, pervs, theyre just NATURAL and POINTY.

18) What's the strangest place you've ever had sex, and name it.

1992 in church. also, had sex dozens of times in a back hall of my high school. also, fucked and/or sucked in more or less every movie theater in the western suburbs.

19) Strangest place you ever masturbated, and name it.
its not strange really, but ive gotten off at a few of my jobs, especially if it was a really boring day. thats happened maybe a total of 3 or 4 times in my life.

20) Do you ever masturbate to, or get turned on by totally non-sexual things (ie household appliances, trees, etc)?
Absolutely. In 2004 (as in 1995 or 1992 etc) I went through one of my "Auto Behavioral Experiment" periods and decided to test the limits of human arousal using myself as subject. Over the course of 9 nights I masturbated to everything from photos to Himmler and Gehring, to pictures of refrigerators, a detailed account of the history of staplers, pictures of topography maps, pretty much anything you can think of. In the end, I didnt discover much other than how hard it is to maintain an erection to these things without sneaking in a bit of real porn every now and then. The main end result though was very positive as I got some great material for LIVE + NUDE + HELPLESS, and really discovered the wonders of the search engine (boy could i get abstract, doing searches for "popsicle squirrel" for instance) which ive used in pretty much everything ive created since.

21) Have you ever participated in a threesome or an orgy?

I certainly have.


22) How many people do you know you secretly wish you could fuck?
Secretly? Not many, I usually make this kind of thing known.

23) Do juvenile or non-scientific words (ie "titties) turn you on during sex if your partner uses them?
Not really, only in the context of the person im with being very uptight, and they finally break through and loosen up, an outward manifestation of which is usually, "taboo" or "sophmoric" sexual terms. Ive fucked a lot of uptight girls I suppose and its good to know their defensive faculties are finally being broken down, so of course its not the words, its what behind the words.

24) Do you enjoy getting spanked either before or during sex?
If a girl hit my ass and was seriously into that, Id get up put on my clothes and leave.

25) Do you find lactation arousing?
Absolutely. Not every day of my life, but if im really in a frame of mind of being obsessed with women and womanhood. I actually do think pregnant women are beautiful, so i can appreciate the aesthetics of some good lacto-action.

26) Have you ever faked an orgasm?
I certainly have. Mostly cuz I would be fucking for the 5th or 6th time that day and simply couldnt be bothered to cum. OR if i didnt really care for the girl, and it was a 1 night stand, this little mental block would happen and i wouldnt be able to cum. My sexual consciousness has a conscience! haha. Ive been asked by a few dullards, how exactly does a guy fake an orgasm? Well if you have a condom on, how the hell would yr partner you whether you have or havent. Unless yr the type who emptys the condom contents onto your partner, or you both scurry to the bathroom together, peel the condom off, and hold it up to the light to examine and measure how much ejaculate youve produced.

27) What is your favorite sexual position?
Nothings better than bending a girl over. Well, I already disagree with that, a girl on top is pretty amazing unless they start thinking theyre gymnasts, and your dick is a infinite pole they can just hop up and down on and theres no chance youll pop out of them, and if you do youll slide right back in. Thats a dangerous game!

28) Does size matter?
Im not really qualified to answer that, am I?

29) Does girth matter?
Not for me, no.

30) Do you like being peed on?
No.

31) Would you like to find out if you like being peed on?
NO.

32) If you in fact like being peed on, do you take it in the face or insist the pisser aims for
your body and/or hair?
No of course but there used to be a hilarious, brilliant website called pissmops.com where guys (usually 3 or 4) would pee on girls and then jerk off on her. What was funny was watching the girls who were naked and crouching in a tub totally either trying to dictate or plead with 4 dudes not to pee in their face or eyes. Naturally thats where the 4 duded would aim. The girl would be horrified and grossed out, but eventually theyd start opening their mouth and swallowing. Fuck comedy central, THAT was fucking funny!

33) Name the weirdest place on your body someone has cum on you.
No one has cum ON me. Or in me for that matter, har har.

34) Have you ever masturbated using a non-sexual object (ie a book spine, hairbrush)? Also, name what the object as and in what capacity you used it.
This question doesnt really apply to a guy does it?

35) Have you ever penetrated yourself with a vegetable or other food product?
No, BUT---I have talked 2 different girls into fucking themselves with carrots.

36) What's the worst music you've ever heard during either sex or masturbation?

Oh god, the worst was Jan & Dean's Surf City.


37) Have you ever eaten food off someone? Also, what food and did your partner enjoy it?
I ate ice cream off a girl's breasts at her request. She seemed to enjoy it. I was pretty indifferent.

38) Have you ever had sex in the shower or in the bathroom?

Countless times.


38) Do you have sex if your partner is menstruating?
I stopped doing that in 1996 after the girl (you know which one right?) turned around, pointed at my now bloodied penis and laughed saying "it looks like you murdered someone with your dick". Also, I was bothered not just by the bloody cock but the way ther blood would smear all over my pubic area. AND, the general smell was a bit unpleasant, AND i can still hear that awful period sex SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH sound sloshing in my ears.

40) Do you masturbate if you are menstruating?
I do not menstruate.

41) Do you wear socks during sex? If so, what color are they?
Yes I do, and theyr BLACK. and i pull em up to my knees.

42) If you could only choose one form of sexual release (masturbation, oral sex, etc.) for the rest of your life, what would you choose, and why?
Thats a tough one. Ummm, hmmm, gosh i dont know.

43) Do you enjoy watching your partner masturbate?
of course.

44) Have you ever been a voyeur, and if yes explain the circumstances.
No, but id love to be. I go out at night looking, but never find anything. Ive been working on a voyeurism movie over the last year or so, so ive filmed a lot of windows but its basically just people walking around or watching tv.

45) After penetrating your partner with your fingers, do you A) lick your fingers B)make your partner lick your fingers C) make them smell your fingers D) Rub your fingers across their face?

B. I rarely do A, C is just silly, and D never crossed my mind, nor will it ever again.


46) After your first sexual experience did you not wash your hands for several days?
Fuck, I refused to wash my hands, haha. The smell of female was something to treasure!

47) Have you ever particpated in a sex video?

Nope, I was partially naked in a film i made but it wasnt sexual in nature.


48) Have you posted nude photos on the web, and if so, where?
Lord no.

49) (If male) How many times have you had blue balls? (If female) Have you ever had a swollen labia?
Havent bad blue balls in many years, used to get them when i was 14 or 15 pretty frequently. I had no idea what was happening, it was freaky. Thank god for the sex column in details by anka radakovich, i learned what the hell was going on.

50) Have you ever performed a sexual act for money? If so, how much money and what did you have to do?

No. That being said to humiliate someone i once put $20 on a table and dared them to give me a blowjob. The reason being as I explained was that she thought like a whore so she may as well be one, properly. The female in question did the act and took the cash, and I used it against her and mocked her pretty severely for months and months afterwards.

51) How many sex toys do you own, and how often do you use them in sexual play?
I own no sex toys. Actually i take that back, the internet is the best sex toy ever.

52) Do you prefer tight, athletic bodies or voluptuous, curvy ones?
It all depends, Im pretty ecclectic. But ultimately i like women who look like women.

53) Have you ever watched your partner perform sexual acts with someone else?
Yes, and a wonderful time was had by all.

54) Have you ever interrupted sex to go to the bathroom?
No, but i have stopped sex to dance (waltz to be precise) with a girl, leap around, have a food fight, take a brief nap, eat a light snack, tell really obnoxious jokes, explain why i liked the song that was playing, watch the end of apocolypse now etc.

55) Where is your favorite place to masturbate?
I dont play favorites.

56) How much porno do you own?
Volumes. I miss my old porno parties. Those were always a blast. Hey, would anyone like to revive that? I'm a good host! Im an even better host now that Liz is with me cuz shes an amazing cook.

57) Where do you hide your porno, and where do you hide your sex toys?
I don't hide porno, its all out open and accounted for.

58) How often do you visit porn stores with the sole reason to buy something?
It's been years and years. Kristen and I used to go to porn stores and freak out the middle aged - senior management stopping on the way home from work types by asking for toothless blowjob movies or talking about how wet her pussy gets during sex etc. We were a hoot!

59) Do you prefer a woman's pubic area to be A) shaved bald B) trimmed C) untamed
C, B is ok, A is kind of odd.

60) Do you find yourself drawn to sites like burningangel or suicide girls?
burningangel is great, well worth the subscription. suicide girls is for arcade fire fans.

61) Do you like being spit on during sex?
No, if a girl did that, Id get up put on clothes, leave etc.

62) Have you ever sat on someone's face?
No, id feel like a fucking idiot if i did that.

63) Have you ever had a rape fantasy?
No, and i avoid people who do (especially guys, right?). I was on Second Life one time and this guy approached me and said he likes to rape and I told him "well everyone has one true talent", and people around me started laughing at him and he got so discouraged he signed off.

64) Have you ever cheated?
Yeah. What a waste.

65) Were you found out, and if so, what were the consequences?
The person I cheated on found out years later,and actually thanked me several times for being honest.

66) Do you ever laugh during sex, and if so does your partner get offended?
Sure Ive laughed, and when dating a jewish girl i used to crack holocaust jokes and chuckle pretty hard. She must have been offended cuz she stopped having sex with me eventually. We kept doing making out/oral sex kinda stuff though and maybe thats cuz I would do more observational humor. Who knows?

67) Have you ever had to stop someone or redirect them to the correct spot during sex or foreplay?

Who hasnt?


68) Do you like being tied up?
NO NO NO, if someone tried to tie me to anything, id fucking fight back.

69) Have you ever enjoyed sex with an ugly person, BECAUSE they were ugly?
Oh yes, very much so. Another one of my Behavioral Experiments. This was in 1999 and 2000. Also there was a touch of making the best out of a bad situation. But yeah one girl in particular was very typical in her mental and physical ugliness and i really had a blast monitoring her reactions. "So this is what theyre like- ha ha ha ha ha".

70) If you were the opposite sex and had all of the correct genitalia, what is the first thing you would do with yourself?

Well, breast play of course.


71) If you had to have sex with someone in your family, who would it be?
Umm now it would have to like be at gunpoint, but I suppose my cousin Tracy who i actually havent seen since 1990. Shes the only moderately attractive female I can conjure up. There were all those nights in 1987 I would dry hump my grandmother though, so maybe I already halfway qualify.

72) Name something you've always wanted to do during sex, but haven't.
Theres tons of things. I wouldnt even know where to start the list.

73) Do you like it if your partner makes you call yourself degrading names (ie cumslut, dickless loser)?
No, I like nice names like "My Hero" or "God".

74) Have you ever had to "finish the job" because your partner couldnt?
YES!

75) Do you enjoy phone sex?
Yes, with the right person.

76) Do you pay for phone sex or do it with a friend?
Both, Hi Lynne!

77) Has the use of drugs or alcohol ever prohibited your ability to perform sexually?
No, as everyone knows by now I never use drugs or alcohol.

78) If you have had phone sex, how many people have you had it with?
3. I still miss Courtney. We had a 4 year phone sex relationship.

79) Have you ever wanted to sleep with one of your friend's family members? And if yes, how was it?
Nope.

80) Do you enjoy titfucking and if so what do you use for lubrication?
Sure I enjoy it, and usually spit I guess.

81) Have you ever slept with a co-worker? Or wanted to?
Not seriously but there was that girl from Brazil who workled at Lions Club who was Stunning. Oh yeah I thought of two others. But thats more appreciating beauty than wanting to fuck, you know?

82) Name the most inappropriate person you've had a sexual fantasy about?
Well I have jerked off the pictures of Gehring, Himmler, The Selma AL, race riots and so forth. So you tell me.

83) Does your face and upper chest get red during sex
It did when I was 14 and 15, every single fucking time!

84) Have you ever been told that you are too aggressive/passive during sex?
Ive been told both.

85) do you like being bitten, and if so where?
Do NOT fuckign bite me. Or I'll bite you. Mike Tyson style.

86) Are you ever bored during sex and think about other things (i.e. housework, your job)?
Yes. But not for long. I find sex too fascinating.

87) What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever said during sex?
"I Love You!". And unfortunately thats no joke. In my younger days I would instantly develop a sincere and ever lasting love every time i stuck it in a girl.

88) Would you have sex with a retarded or crippled person?
I really fuckin doubt it.

89) How many fingers?
Usually 2 works. Thats industry standard right?

90) Ever had a sexual experience while either you or your partner was driving a car?
One girl I would "molest" while driving. That was always fun.

91) Do you frequently experience multiple orgasms while masturbating?
Nope.

92) What's the longest amount of time spent masturbating
The better part of a day, but thats not stroking away for 8 hours, thats little bursts (no pun or climax intended) while working on art, or thinking very intensely, or freaking out or whatever. The masturbation (or sex if the case may be) is fully and seamlessly integrated into everything else.

93) Will you FINALLY let Rickey shave you?

Dude, put that razor down!


94) What was the first porn you ever encountered?

Oh man, two things, the history of Pin Up which was glorious and celebratory with these incredible big breasted woman, one after another. That book was 20 X 12 and several hundred pages, full color. Also, the early Cinemax with the Swedish 70s films, with beautiful milk white european women running through fields or bathing or dancing ballet. There was nothing lewd or sexist or degrading. It was joyous. Oh, umm dont pay too much mind to the milk white thing, I love all shades and races. In my later years I find I prefer olive complected women. So yeah.

Not so joyous was the OTHER porn I encountered, a novel called The Freaky Fuck. Which seemed to be about rampaging sailors on shore-leave and assfucking teen boys throughout manhattan. Nasty, vile stuff. Also nasty were the hardcore XXX color shots tossed into the middle of the book for no reason. It remidns of me the John Waters line about porn looking like "open heart surgery" which this certainly did. Gross horrible people in horrible fake poses. Ugh. Spit. Boo. Hiss.


95) Have you ever had sex with a tranny, and if so, did you know they were a tranny beforehand?

No trannys, thats just too much freakiness for lil ol midwestern conservative richie.


96) Have you ever been to a gloryhole, and if so, how did it go?
No but id love to go and videotape the proceedings.

97) Who is the oldest/youngest person you would have sex with?
50-19

98) Have you ever masturbated with a group of friends?
Nope! I observed such an event though way back when.

99) What kind of breasts do you like? (i.e. big, small, pointy, etc.) Also, what kind of nipples (i.e. puffy, perky, small etc.)
While I usually prefer buxom women, really I can appreciate any type.

100) Why haven't you had sex with me yet?

You're really not my type.

Richard said...

more lyrics beanstalk? I do like the name though.

Richard said...

I need to amend my answer to question 50)

I totally gorgot about the time in '99 i was coming home from hanging out with Roxana (who was boring as sin) and saw a real live brothel! So I paid $50, and this beautiful statutesque black woman stripped down to her underwear, adn then i basically politely grilled her about her profession. She was realy smart and funny and told me if i ever wanted to come back shed cut the price down to 40. and we could actually do something sexual. I have no idea why i never went back, she was cool.

jackie said...

we are not pussies anymore!

usa! usa! usa!

D said...

Apparently dolphin sex is a big thing? "Dolphin fucker" is my new favorite insult.

D said...

Nick Cave...an artist who also did a song with my name as the title.


DING DING DING, we have a winner.

Richard said...

This is important to note, Nick Cave has totally utterly sucked since the Birthday Party broke up in what, 1982?

In fact, he's sucked so bad Im kinda embarrassed to admit how much i like the birthday party.

que ferions-nous sans vous pour nous guider? said...

the aragon sucks. i wish they'd play the auditorium theater again. i don't want to lose my hearing so i probably won't go.

where would you guys take someone who's never really been around the city? my friend at work wants me to take her around and i'm just wondering if there's some place i might not think of. and you're welcome to come, too, if you want.

Deanna said...

Um, I guess it depends on what your friend is into?

I'm planning on seeing Jack and Meg (when did she become a redhead, anyway? not that that's a bad thing), but I will definitely be wearing earplugs.

Jackie said...

when do tickets go on sale>?

D said...

I wish I knew, Jackie...

D said...

Oh, why isn't it 3:00 yet?

Richard said...

what happened to the comment i posted? It was really good. I might just have to turn it into a post

D said...

I don't know what happened to your comment, dear.

Richard said...

well i was basically being rhetorical.

D said...

I know, but I thought I'd be nice and try to make you feel better.

I stole your comment.

I know it hurts now, but one day you will appreciate my honesty.

Richard said...

oh, i appreciate it now, believe me.

OH GOD I WANT THE WORK DAY TO BE OVER! FUCK!

que ferions-nous sans vous pour nous guider? said...

i know it's saturday and no one is here. but HI ANYWAY!!

Deanna said...

It's Tuesday and I'm not at work. Whee!