iiii

Preamble:

Yes not suck dix on 76 or 76 dix or pigxz in sitz, but no--- 2006 sucked dix for william "cunflowers" bowers and he did the brave thig and wrote about it on the MOTHERFUKKIN FORK. then he went mad and made it better

SO...
FOR ONE WILLIAM BOWERS 2006 SUCKED THE DIX BUT 2007 WILL BE HEAVEN AFTER IT WAS BETTER
AND OPPORTUNITY KNOCKED!

AND NOW OUR PROGRAMME:

Column(IF WERE BEING TEHCNICAL): Puritan Blister OUCH IT HURTS#666
To Hell, With PovertyAND UP WITH CORPORATE RESPONSIBILITY!:
A Worrier's (READ:ASSHOLE INDIE DUECHE)
2006---SUCKIN MOTHERFUCKIN DIX!
"Column" by William "CUNTFLOWERS" Bowers

Let's say you had a rough year last year. BOOHFUCKHOO IM AN INDIE DUECHE WITHOUT A SINGLE IDE AIN MY HEADYourEVERY YEAR FOR ME IS ROUGH IM SUCH A DELICATE INTELLECTUAL FAWN trouble seemed to start with that Hold Steady concert at which you couldn't hear the vocals. The club owner's husband explained that the sound was jiggered so that the vox were clear in the back, or at the bar-- but you were committed to some up-front, fanpersonI GO SEE SHIT LIEK THE HOLD STEADY fistpumping. Your previous patronage of Hold Steady shows elsewhere had given you the right to expect a cathartic, if a trifle forced, fellow-feeling. Like, bordering on a jamboree? InsteGOD IM SUCH AN ASSHOLEad you got Craig Finn, looking like an insane, almost-foaming mime. The band's chug seemed dumbish without his Wandering Scene-vet barkabyes. For some reason, you felt as if someone (everyone?) was getting a treat and being swindled at the same time.

You found Beck's 2006 album more interesting than Bonnie "Prince" Billy's.WHOA NO WAY HOLY CRAP BECK IS A NEVER WAS AND "THE PRINCE" (FINALLY A WHITE ONE) IS A CHILD MOLESTOR! DRINK PISS! PRINK DISS! WALKING TALL! TALKING WALL! WHY DO I TALK AT ALL

Your car pretty much blew up on the way to see the Walkmen. A friend called the cellphone you borGOD EVERYTHING IS SUCH A FUCKING TRAGEDYrowed for the trip. Your friend was hoping to reach the phone's actual owner. Your friend said "Hey! I'm with the Walkmen!" and handed the Walkmen his phone. You told the WalkmI CANT IMAGINE WHY I CARRY ONen that you are not who your friend thought you were, and that your car just pretty much blew up on the way to their show. The Walkmen said that they are sorry about your car. THEYRE SORRY ABOTU EVERYTHING ELSE 2, IF I WERENT SUCH A PUSSY I COULD AT LEAST COMMIT SUICIDEEntertainment Weekly called the films of Christopher Guest "cultural correctives." So society got improved. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING READING EW IN THE FIRST PLACE, IM SUPPOSED TO BE INDIE AND CHRIST NOW IM WATCHING THE DIY NETWORK AND THERES NO SHOWS ABOUT THE CLASH JUST SHOWS ABOUT INSTALLIGN A NEW DECK....WAIT ITS KINDA THE SANME THINS........WHOA NO MICK JONES WAS JUST LIKE THE PLANKS OF WOOD AND STRUMMER IS TOTALLY THE WATER SEAL, GET IT? WOW, MY FRUIENDS AND I GET HIGH CUZ WERE CONVINCEDWE HAVE TO AND EVERYONE THOUGHT WE DID ANYWAY SO I MEAN, FUCK, WHY NOT, MORE ON THIS LATER, OH SHITY!

You developed an unhealthy sympathy for underdogs. CUZ IM AN UNDERDOG. IM SO WOUNDED AND SENSITIVE!You started to confuse "darn good" albums with "great" ones, preferring an alternate view to the consensus view just because of its alternateness. You became addicted to blogs such as Little Hits that tout "forgotten" or noncanonical bands. You kept and abused a "Little HitWHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARN THAT THEIR OPINIONS MEAN NOTHING AND PEOPLE SHOULDNT EVEN TRY s" playlist. This practice is akin to only reading minor poets. Your favorite albums of the yearIF I WERENT SUCH A PUSSY ID KILL MYSELF were by the ArI MIDLY DISLIKE SOME ASPECT OF MY PERSONALITY AND I WANT TO WHINE ABOUT ITchie Bronson Outfit, the Coup, Keene Bros, and SnowdenWAIT I THOUGHT IM SPOSED TO BE INTO POINTLESS MARGINALIA OH FUCK IM SO CONFUSED BY MY OWN UNENFORCED RULES. These albums were really good, but they were probably not the best albums of the year. THEY PROBABLY WERENT THE BEST. WOW SUCH INCISIVE MUSICAL CRIT FLOWS FROM MY BRAIN. PROBABLY WERRENT THE BEST JUST LIKE THAT OL DEEP BLUE SHITTY SOMHTHING LYRICS WHERE THEY SING "OH YES I RECALL WE BOTH KIND OF LIKED IT". OH NO I HOPE IM NOT AS BORING AS THEM! YOU CANT EVEN BE IRONICAL ABOUT THEM!

Indistinct WHAT ISNT INDISTINCT IN MY WORLDblogs multiplied like gremlins, and also like gremlins, some got dumber and sassier LIKE MY COLUMNS OOOH HA HA. Their effect on old-new media was obvious WHAT ISNT OBVIOUS: Even websites that host longform criticism began to introduce mp3 links with a mere "thumbs up"! OH THATS SO LAME AND SUCH A SYMBOL OF UMM SOMETHING BUT I CANT FIGURE OUT WHAT NOW....I COULD TOTALLY NEVER BE THAT LAME...I BUY CLOTHES OF KARMALOOP I BUY CLOTHES OF KARMALOOP I BUY CLOTHES OF KARMALOOP AND MY MEANDERINGS ON THE INTERNET ARE FAR MORE ESSENTIAL TO THE WORLD OF CRITCIISM (CUZ I CANT CREATE ANYTHING) CUZ I WORK FOR PITCHFORK, YEA THATS RIGHT WE ADVERTISE DEWARS WERE BIG TIME BUT OH WERE SMALL TIME CUZ WERE INDIE AND FOR THE PEOPLE BUT OH GOD DAMMIT I HATEW TO THINK, LOOK I'LL LEVEL WITH YOU IM JUST SOME 26 YR OLD GRAD STUDENT SO I JUST ASSUME I KNOW EVERYTHING CUZ I OF COURSE DO KNOW EVERYTHING AND IM SUCH A MIDDLE CLASS ASS PUSSY I DOTN HAVE THE BALLS TO OFF MYSELF SO I JUST PROJECT MY PRISSY PISSY DUECHY AS FUCK NONSENSE ONTO EVERYONE IN CYBERSPACE THIS IS MY ENTIRE CONTRIBUTION TO HUMANITY IM PSYCHOLOOGICALLY & SPIRITUALLY RETARDED I CANT SEE BEYOND MY OWN MIND (WHY WOULD I ITS SO FASCINATING) I DONT EVEN REALIZE A WAR IS GOING ON, AND ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE MY SOCKS ARE TOO LOOSE

You live and work in a town designed to sustain car-culture, OH ITS SO SAD WHY CANT LIFE BE LIKE THOSE COOL VW COMMERCIALS THEY SHOW ON IFCbut your car pretty much blew up during that Walkmen trip. So you biked everywhere. You are used to traveling with music. Wearing headphones on a bicycle is illegal/ticketable where you live. You began toCUZ MUSIC IS A COMPETITIVE CONTEST OF CONSTANT ONE-UPS-MANSHIP DONT EVER FORGET THAT "get behind," since you can't listen to new music. So much new music and "music news" ONLY NEW THINGS COUNTerupts each day that you began to feel like you've skipped a week of Calculus class when yoTHANK GOD ALL MY FRIENDS ARE EVEN MROE JUDGEMENTAL AND LESS CONNECTED TO REALITY THAN MEu triedMY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS EXIST UNDER THE THINNEST PRETENSES to discuss new music or music news with the other consumers/students.

You read Adbusters,CUZ IM LIBERAL OR HAVENT YOU GUESSED with biblical EVEN THOUGH THE BIBLE IS BAD OR SOMETHING, I LISTENED TO A HARDCORE RECORD ONCE AND THEY WERE MAD ABOUT IT, BUT THEN IT WAS STRAIGHT BACK TO MODEST MOUSE AND PROPER POETICS BUT I'LL NEVER FORGET MY SALAD DAYS (PUNK REFERENCE OF SOME KIND) SLUMMING WITH THE SCREAMING PEOPLE IN BLACK LEATHERfervor, and were supposedly immune to the seductionYES BUT IDEALS HAVE FAILED US JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE, WHERES MY TODD SOLANDZ DVDs of packaging and the reification of people as products. You fell in love with someone on NOW I WORK FOR PITCHFORK AND WE LOVE CORPORATIONS, THANK GOD, IT MAKES THINGS EASIER. MAKE NO MISTAKE THOUGH WERE AT LEAST SNARKY ABOUT ITa Jones Soda bottle label.

You went to see Xiu Xiu in a disguise, CUZ I HAVE SO FUCKING MUCH TO BE ASHAMED OF because you didn't want any acquaintances or ex-partners to ruin your deep and communal something-or-other with Xiu Xiu's music. CUZ ITS ALL ABOUT MUSIC AND NOT SOME QUEST TO DEFEND ALL MY OWN BULLSHITYour acquaintances and exes end up all around you, only they don't recognize you, which isYES YOU KNOW I HAVE TONS OF EXES ALL THOSE ONRE WEEK RELATIONSHIPS REALLY ADD UP more distracting than if they did. Xiu Xiu played a jaded IM USING JADED AS A CRITICIAM? BUT IM JADED WAIT ITS NOT COOL TO BE JADED SINCE THE AEROSMITH SONG AND SICNE THE 70S ARENT "IN" RIGHT NOW ITS ALL A MESS, workmanlike show that, they later tell one of your sozzled exes, they considered "too pop." I FUCKED HALF OF BUSTS READERSHIP. GIRLS LIKE CUZ THEY SAY I REMIND THEM OF JOHN CUSACK!You wish you hadn't demanded emotional labor from Xiu Xiu. They are artists in the year 2006, not Delta stewardesses in 1971,TOO TRUE TOO TRUE I SPEAK THE REAL SHIT from whom one might have purchased a flimsy intimacy LIKE ALL THE HANDJOBS I ACT LIKE IVE GOTTEN. A girl approached you and told you that she liked your outfit. You were wearing a granny wig, a hairnet, a black mustache, a Three's Company blouse, baby blue polyester highwater trousers, and orange trailbiking shoes. The girl asked if you want to manage her band, the Vagina RoachesTHIS IS MY ATTEMPT AT HUMOR, IF WE WERE IN PERSON ID SLOWLY LAUGH REAL HIGH PITCHED AND KEEP RIHT ON LAUGHING WHILE STARING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES UNBLINKLY TO SEE IF YOU THINK IM AS FUNNY AS I THINK I AM...DO YOU REALIZE (MY MAN WYANE REFERENCE) I AM SO HOPELESS I CANNOT EVEN LAUGH SINCERELY???

Mr. Lif's WHITE HIP HOP THE WAY GOD WANTED IT, OH BUT IM AN ATHIEST wrankled IM AN ATHIEST CUZ NOTHING MATTERS, AND BELIEVING IN THINGS IS STUPID AND SICNE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IS CONSTANT COMPETITION (AND IM TOO MUCH OPF A PUSSY TO JUST GET ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD) I OUTSMART EVERYONE BY DENYING EVERYTHING FIRST. AND THEN RIPPING ON THEM IN MY SNIVELLING DUECHE WAYprogressiveness HE DOESNT HATE GUY GUYS WHICH IS GREAT CUZ BLACKS WONT CONFORM TO THAT ELEMENT OF OUR LIBERALOSITY (WE COULD SAVE THE WORLD WITH IT IF WE COULD ONLY SAVEOUR OWN TRAGIC FLAWED MISUNDERSTOOD LIVES FIRST) AND MAKES MY QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT ITS NOT LIKE I ACTUALLY HJANG OTU WITH GAY GUYS I DONT EVEN KNOW ANY GAY GUYS, EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE GUY AT PARTIES SOME TIMES. ALL MY FREIDNS ARE JUST LIKE...WHITE MIDDLE CLASS STRAIGHT AND SNARKY AND IRONICAL AND SENSITIVE AND DAMAGED AND MISUNDERSTOOD. ITS ALMOST AS IF THERES NO WORLD OUTSIDE OF US! OH AND THERES GIRLS TOO. THEYRE COOL UNLESS YOU DATE THEM.yielded to a reggaetonTHESE SMEXICANS MOVES NEAR MY APARTMENT. THEYRE LOUD.-liteAS OPPOSED TO HARDCORE REAGGAETON OF COURSE....COVERED BY PITCHFORK IN THE HISOTIRCAL AND TREMENDOUSLY IMPORTANT THIS MONTH IN REGGAETON COLUMN track about how women need to clean their crotches for him. YEAH, TAKE THATHe did shows with Matisyahu. OOOH SUCH A BAD BURN. OOOH MY MIND IS INCREDIBLE WITHOUT FAULT OR FLAW OR EVEN A FOLD! DID I MENTION HOW BRAVE PITCHFORK IS FOR SAYING HOW BRAVE MALACHI IS/WAS? WE'RE BRAVE, HE'S BRAVE. KILLING YOURSELF IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY OR DIFFERING OPINION IS BRAVE. GOD, IM SUCH A PUSSY...I SHOULD SET MYSELF ON FIRE. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT SHIITE MEANS

You went to see Mount Eerie, expecting the sound experience that is Mount Eerie. EVEN THOUGH MT EERIES RELEASES ARE MOSTLY QUIET AND ALL THOSE MP3S I LOVE SO MUCH (WHEN PEOPLE DEBATED CDS VS VINYL I ALWAYS SAID HEY FUCK YOU I ONLY WANT RECORDED MUSIC TO COME THROUGH A THIN CORD ON MY COMPUTER) FEATREU PHIL LVIE + GUITAR IM STILL A WORTHLESS ASSHOLE WHO THINKS LIVE SHOWS SHOULD BE REPRODUCTIONS OF ALBUMSYou got Phil Elvrum with a guitar, unable to remember YES HE DID NOT PLAY 18 SONGS IN A ROWhis own songs after HE WAS NTO AMAZINGopening up the floor to HES BEEN DOWNHIOLL SINCE 2001the crowd because PITCHFORK SAID HE MAKES CYNICAL MUSIC NOW AND I GUESS SICNE THEY ARE MY THOUGHT MASTERS I MUST FOLLOWhe didn't prepare a set. YES THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED AS IT HAPPENED AND IM SO OFFENDED WE STOPPED REVIEWING THIS HAS BEENThe crowd guffawed explosivelyCUZ THEYRE SHEEP UNLIKE NONCONFORMIST ME at the non-punchlines in his smalltalk between non-songs; they would never behave so sycophantically to a local non-star. NEVER. You began to think that the laugh-tracks on "The Suite Life of Zack & Cody" and "Saved By the Bell" were recordings of nervous, crowd-scanning indie kids. WHICH I AM NOT ONE OF, SEE IM ABOVE IT ALL. I SEE THE LIES FOR WHAT THEY AREYou I AM CLEVER PERSONIFIEDrequested a Little Wings tune that Elvrum copped bits of YES PHIL RIPS KYLE OFF SO MUCH, KYLE MUST HATE HIMfor a song on his Mount Eerie album. PHIL IS NO SUFJANElvrum tried to play it, couldn't, and then said, "Wrong band." PHIL IS NO IRON AND WINEYou spent the rest of the night pettily concocting weak, rhythmless OH AND HERES WHERE I TURN THE KNIFE BACK ON PUSSY LITTLE MEretorts such as "DO YOU LIKE THAT I NEVER TALK ABOUT MUSIC, ONLY MYSELFOh, IM SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN PEOPLE WHO ARE CREATIVEyou're a band?" and "Wrong band? That's what I'm saying about who I chose to come see." This was the fifth time that you paid to access a great band performance and got one (albeit talented) I'LL ALLOW PHIL THAT HEMAY BE TALENTED BUT HE SHOULD JUST PLAY BALL AND DO AN m&mS COMMCERCIAL OR SOMETHING.dudePHIL IS A DUDE AND NOTHING BUT with an acoustic guitar. Did your town not matter, you thought? YES CUZ PHIL BRINGS A FULL BAND EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME, I CANT BELIEVE A SUPER FAN LIKE ME IS SO 100% UNFAMILIAR WITH HIS WORK AND METHODS, PERHAPS IM NOT AS SMART AS I THOUGTH? NO COULD NEVER BE. I UNDERSTAND PHILS MUSIC AND MOTIVATIONS BETTER THAN PHIL HIMSELF COULD, IM A FUCKIN GRAD STUDENTDid it not contain real people living real lives and needing real music? REAL MUSIC DOESNT EVEN EXIST ACCORDING TO ME SO WHAT AM I SAYING. WHY CANT I JUST DIEWas indie rock the only zone in which people would tolerate this slummy YES ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IN THE MAINSTREAM TOLERATES "SHIT" AND WHEN I SAY SHIT SHIT IS SO PHIL ELVRUM shit? Could Les Mis tour with five people wearing Dockers, accompanied by a jambox, and still call the show Les Mis? YES CUZ BROADWAY AND ROCK AND ROLL ARE TOTALLY INTERCHANGABLE, THIS COMPARISON MAKES ABSOLUTE SENSEYou thought of the passage from Curtis White's SEE A NOVEL A I READ SOMETHING IN GRAD SCHOOL PIN A AN IRONICAL BUTTON MEnovel Memories of My Father Watching TV, YEAH SOME GUY WROTE THIS BOOK, PRETTY EMBARRASSING, RIGHT?about what his family wouMY DAD DIDNT LOVE ME EITHER, THOUGH HE HELPS WITH THE RENTld settle for: "They'd eat the most unbelievable junk…the cheapest margarine you can imagine...it came in gallon tubs…the manufacturer didn't even have the decency to dye it yellow. It wasn't something to eat; it was a expression of contempt." For some reason, you felt as if someone (everyone?) ALL OF US AS ONE BIG CANCEROUS LUMPwas getting a treat and being swindled at the same time. YES PAYING 5 BUCKS FOR A SHOW IS A SWINDLE. 10 FOR A RECORD WITH CD INCLUDED IS THE BIGGEST RIP OFF THIS SIDE OF WELL SOMETHING I CANT THINK RIGHT CUZ IM SO MISUNDERSTOOD

You find coke-rap THEY CAN MAKE GENRES OUT OF ANYTHING NOWand crack-hopYES ANYTHING winningly hilarious NIGGERS ARE FUNNY AFTER ALL...I LOVE THE UPNin its gaudiest incarnations (Rick Ross) and flat-out amazing at the hands ofI LVOE RAP MUSIC TO PROVE MY LOVE OF AFRICAN AMERCIANS EVEN THOUGH I DONT KNOW ANY AND AM SCARED OF THEM ON EVERY LEVEL its most talented artisans (Clipse), but you wouldn't let yourself enjoy CUZ I CANT ENJOY ANYTHING CUZ ITS ALL SO TRAGICit, because of some leftover straight-edge IDEALS FAILED US punk BELIEVING IN SOMETHING IS STUPIDrock baggage PUNK IS ALL CLICHES, FORTUNATELY IM TOO CLEVER TO BE A CLICHEyou insist on totingWHY DID I EVER BELIEVE IN ANYTHING? into your thirties, and not just because you've watched multiple friends spiral into private shame about theirWAIT FOR MY AMAZING TERM, HERE IT IS, IM SUCH A GREAT WRITER.... booger-sugar habits. YES DRUGADDICTION IS SOMETHING ELSE TO SHRUG OFF AND BE IRONICAL ABOUTSomething consumerist about dealer-flow obtains in a way that bugs your residual principles.BUT I DONT HAVE ANY, THEY FAILEDUS, AND CORPORATIONS ARE DOING BETTER THAN EVER If hip-hop was once, as CHECK OUT HTIS OBSCURE QUOTE I FOUND, NO ONE HAS EVER USED IT BEFORE Chuck D said, the "black CNN", now it's like PBS' "Nightly Business Report" for baseheads and their brokers.ZING GOD I LOVE MY MIND, I WISH MY DICK WORKED IN KIND You don't know what happened to the days of Grandmaster Flash's "White Lines (Don't Do It)", I DONT KNOW ANYTINGor even Kilo's cautionary yet misogynist track about that skanless white girl named "Cocaine".NIGGERS ARE CLEVER AFTER ALL, I LOVE THAT SLAM DUNK CONTEST To make matters worse, you've been known to stockpile straws for sampling the occasional baggieI DO COCAINE? I TOTALLY DO CUZ SOMEONE SOMEWHERE SAID IT WAS IN VOUGE IF I HAD BEEN OLD ENOUGH ID HAVE BEEN SLAMMING SMACK NEEDLES IN 94, OR MAYBE NOT JUST SMOKIN DOPE AND WISHING IT WAS SMACK CUZ IM A PUSSY AND COKE IS THE ULTIMATE PUSSY DRUG AND I DONT HAVE THE BIG BALLBAGS REQUIRED FOR CRACK, PLUS YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE HOOD FOR CRACK AND I MAY SYMPATHIZE WITH THE POOR NEGROES BUT I AINT GOIN NEAR THEM. So you're like the closeted evangelist Ted Haggard hating on gaysCHRIST INDIE KIDS DOING COKE IS LITERALLY THE MOST PATHETIC THING EVER, but with aIF THERE WERE EVER PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NOT BE DOING THIS SHIT ITS PEOPLE LIKE US WE ARE GROSTEQUE ABOMINATIONS TO BEGIN WITH. race cartridge. TWATS ON TWATS

Your Sony laptop died ALONG WITH ALL HOPEon a down comforter while you were iTunes "deejayinI LVOE ITUNES WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT SHITTY SOUNDING NON MUSICg" a Guided By Voices YES YOU KNEW YOU FUCKING KNEW ID BE OBSESSED WITH GBV, THEY ARE OXYGEN TO FUCKING USELESS SHITSTAINS LIKE MEmarathon at a pool party. Apparently your lightweight machineMY BRIANS? NO SILLY THE IPOD needed to breathe, THATS WHTAT MY LAST GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME TOO, GIRLS ARE JUST LIEK IPODS, GOD IM SUCH A GREAT WRITERand it melted so thoroughly that the hard drive couldn't be retrieved from its useless shell that you're indebted to Best Buy BUT AT LEAST THEYRE A GOOD CORPORATION!for. You'd planned to pay off that debt via the manuscript "saved" on the dead laptop. You swear off allegiance to Sony, iTunes, Best Buy, and GBV.BUT THAT WOULD REQUIRE SOME FORM OF COMMITMENT OR CONSCIOUS THOUGHT, AND SINCE IM SO APATHETIC AND HATEFUL OF ANYTHING AND EVERYONE BCAK TO THE CORPORATE DIARREAH GARDEN The next day, you listen to the new Robert Pollard project on Sony headphones after downloading iTunes onto the clunky placeholding PC that a sympathetic friend with credit charged at Best Buy. OH IRNOY WHERE WOULD I BE WITH IRONIOCALNESS THANK GOD IM SO CLEVER AND BORED AND EVERYTHING IS DUMB AND POINTLESS

Shows kept sucking: WHAT DOESNT SUCK, EXCEPT FOR MY WRITING AND MY MASTERBATION -ATHONS Somebody booked Mates of (Iraqi expletive) State to headline during the Destroyer/Magnolia Electric Company co-headlining tour. A sideman from one of the snubbed bands ended up mooning the Mates, momentary disrupting the flow of their Sanrio MY LAST G/F LIKED SANRIO SO IM TOTALLY BITTER AT HER SHE ALSO LIKED QUASI SO IM GONNA GIVE THE JICKS A BAD REVIEW NEXT TIME ITS ALL JANET AND HER FEMINIST SHIT, I HATE HATE THAT LIKE FEMALE ROCKER SHIT, ITS SO DONE I MEAN WOMEN WERE ANGRY IN 1992syrup. You figured it was someone from Magnolia, since moons figure so prominently into Molina's lyrics. Months later, the Mountain Goats were heckled by man-dudes yelling "rip" and "shred" OH MORE IRONY ANMD PAIN AND INAPPROPRIATENESand "pussy," drowning out Peter Hughes and John Darnielle as they deliberated their way thrTHITNLRKTJBNWRL;TKBN;BLJRNT;BLNRT;BLWRKNTBLTYBNERL;YNKBER;YOIBNEYOINEYONJEYough much of Get Lonely's pregger-tempoed monologues.

BIG FINISH:
You started listening WELL THROUGH MY IPOD AND COMPUTER SPEAKERS WHILE DOING 20 OTHER THINGS CUZ WHY REALLY CONCENTRATE CUZ IT DOESNT MATTERto the Minutemen a lot, even though you find them cheesily sincereTHIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF, HUH, because being poor was at least part of their music. AND THATS ALL THAT MATTEREDMost

YOU KNOW I FIND POOR PEOPLE TO BE MROE SINCERE.

IM POOR UNTIL I GET MORE MONEY FROM MY PARENTS WHO I HATE AND WHO MISUNDERSTAND ME AND TREAT LIKE VERMIN EVEN THOUGH THEYVE TOLERATED MY UNENDING TEENAGE EMOTIONALLY STUNTED BULLSHIT SINCE CLINTON GOT ELECTED

AND SICNE IM POOR I CAN TOTALLY RELATE TO PEOPLE WHO STRUGGLE.
I STRUGGLE EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY, I UNDERSTND YOU, YOU POVERTY STRICKEN PEOPLE AND TO SHOW HOW MUCH I SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU ILL BE CONDESCENDING AND TREAT YOU LIKE YOURE FUCKING RETARDED, EMUALTE THE DUMBEST MOST OBVIOUS ASPECTS OF YOUR CULTURE AND LAUGH AT YOU IF YOU WANT ANY FORM OF ACTUAL HUMAN RESPECT. IM IN SUCH PAIN AND SO MISUNDERSTOOD I NEED YOUR LOW DOLLAR AMUSEMENT. I GOT POOR BUYING MP3S AND REALLY KILLER BUD, SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND MY PLIGHT, CORRECT?
of the 2006 music world struck you as being "about" affluence, POOR=REALor at least an uncurious ease. IM NOT CURIOUS, THATS STUPIDThanks to the joys YES IT IS A JOY, A JOY TO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO MUSIC THAT SOUNDS GOOD AND TO ONLY LISTEN TO ONE GENRE AT A TIME AND REDUCE ALL MUSIC AND CREATIN TO STYLES MOVEMENTS AND CLIQUES USUSALLY ABSED OFF OF ONE REPRESENTATIVE SONG FROM EACH PERSON CUZ IM SO DIVERSE AND KNOW IT ALL THAT I ONLY NEED ONE SONG FROM EVERYBODY RANGING FROM THE ROLLING STONES TO STOCKHAUSENof downloading and to music's role as "what else one does while computing," indie bars and indie-culture's kinda-requisite ornamentation IM SINKING HELP MEhave metastasized METASIZED GOD IM GOOD YES GOOD TO GREAT to survive without indie's original retail hosFUCK RECORD STORESt: record shops. Hipster HIPSTERS ARE BAD AND I IN NO WAY ASPIRE TO BE ONEboutiques and expensive vintage stores-- and IM TOO CLEVER AND ABOVE IT ALLfaux-vintage stores-- haCORPORATIONS ARE GETTIN EBTTER WE DONT NEED NO RECORD STORESve coLETS PUT IT ALL IN THE COMANIOES HANDSntREMEMBER THAT IDIOT IN GHST WORLD, HE WAS RIGHT, AND I AM RIGHTributed in many cities to the kind of neighborhood upscaling that prices out record stores, affordable restaurants, and low rent.LOW RENT IS COOL CUZ YOUR PARENTS DONT BITCH AS YOU AS MUCH WHEN YUO QUIT YOUR JOB TO GO BACK TO GRAD SCHOOLAnd where is the music about being poor? UMM I GUESS BEING MADE BY THOSE COKE SELLING NIGGERS??????? THEY ARE RESOURCEFUL AFTER ALL, SLAVERY MUST HAVE BEEN HARD BUT NOT AS HARD AS HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELFYou know that the 90s version of the poor aesthetic EVERYTHING IS AN AESTHETIC NO ONE DOES THINGS TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES OR BE CREATIVEdenied either the feminine WHAT AM I SAYIGN HERE(see Mudhoney) or humor HAHAHA(see Uncle Tupelo), but poverty itself is a planetary human subject going weirdAMEN TO MYSELF AND THE UNSUNG IS WHAT I CHAMPIONly unsung. AND HERES WHERE ALL THE TALK ABOTU KILLING MYSELF ENDS UP...You've said it before, but you trust that some new Kurt Cobain is rising somewhere, sporting CUZ YES A NEW KURT WOULD SOLVE EVERYTHING...HE SOVLED EVERYTHING ONCE BEFORE NEITHER PEARL JAM NOR ACE OF BASE OUTSOLD NIRVANAhand-me-down thermal underwear, and he (or she) BUT MORE LIKELY HEwill reveal 2006's escapist party music about acquisitiveness as bloated, unpunk idolatrAND THEN HE'LL KILL HIMSELF AND WE CAN MOAN AGAIN ANEW ABOUT HOW USELESS EVERYTHING IS AND HOW ITS ALL BEEN DONE BEFOREy. And I hope that the new Cobain is an electronic artistCUZ ROCK MUSIC IS ALL USED UP ITS ALL BEEN DONE BEFORE I WISH I COULD DIE, because even the most brilliant dance music only offers a fantasy of grace that barely obtains or applies in the day, or during most jobs. AND I COF COURSE KNOW EVERYTHIGN ABOUT EVETRYTHINGAnd I can't wait to hear, like, Uffie OOOH I KNOW WHO THEY ARE AND I BET YOU DONTjump on the new Cobain's bandwagon. YES BANDWAGON JUMPING IS ALWAYS ALWAYS THE WAY TO CREATE GREAT THINGS...OBVIOUSLY....THERE COULD BE NO OTHER WAYEveryone will be getting a treat and being swindled at the THANK GOD...BUYING MP3Ssame OOH THE WAY IT SHOULD BEtimeMY DICK HURTS.SO DOES MY ASS ----MAYBE MY BUDS SHOULD BE BLOWING COKE UP MY TIGHT HOLE AFTER XUI XUI XHOWS
WOW NOW THAT THATS OVER I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO ROAM MYSAPCE AND YOU TUBE SO I CAN COMPLAIN ABNOUT THAT NEXT MONTH...

TILL NEXT TIME
JUST REMEMBER
FROM INDIE SHOWERS
BLOOM CUNTFLOWERS !

(BOW, FADE)

APPLESAUCE